Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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