It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
