I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
