if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
