I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
