At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
