So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
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Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
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Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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