Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I have demons in me.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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