so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
