i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
You need Xanax blowdarts
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
