Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
