Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
