yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Randomize
