she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
