Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
