I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
