Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
