I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me