I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
