Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
