Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
