I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
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