So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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