i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
