I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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