i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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