I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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