These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
