At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
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I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
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All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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