Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
