I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
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