dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
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Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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