I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Cover your peen. We're going out.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
