this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
