Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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