if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
