This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
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I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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