and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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