Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
