I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
