I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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