I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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