How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
