I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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