wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
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