We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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