My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
