just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
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Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
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On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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