I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I woke up under a house in Key West
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
