I like to think it a success when the cops are called
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
