What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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