You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
