CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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