a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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