you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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