Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
