tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Mom said you looked used
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
