LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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