if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
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